I can't sleep anymore. The dark hours of the night drag on endlessly, and yet I still lie awake, unable to rest. We used to joke about our sleepless nights, but it's not funny anymore. This isn't how I wanted to stay awake..... longing for you instead of being with you. Even my tears cannot make me sleep anymore.

Where are you? I used to know where you were. All I had to do was look around and you'd be right there, at my side or somewhere else nearby. You were never far away. Even when you had to leave my side during the night, you were close to me. Right next door, and in my heart. You're still in my heart, as you always will be, but you're not next door anymore. You're not anywhere I can see, anywhere I can feel. I can't find you anywhere, no matter how much I search.

Oh, I do know where you are, in a way. Lost somewhere, wandering the endless corridors of eternity. Looking for me.... waiting for me. I wish I could be there with you. Then neither of us would have to be alone. But I can't join you just yet. The gift you gave me, the one neither of us expected to ever receive, lives inside me, and I could never end its life. If only I could talk to you, tell you about this. About how so very wrong you were about yourself. About our child.

I remember once, back when I was still your student, when we were going to be casting a very powerful spell that was then above my skill level. I was scared, trembling with fear, and you held my hands and told me it would be all right. I didn't tell you then, but I was more afraid of myself, of being so close to you, touching you, and having to hide my feelings for you, then I was of the spell. But you ended up comforting me anyway, making me feel all right. I wish you were here right now, to do the same. To take me in your arms and tell me that you're here, that everything's going to be all right.

It's so quiet at night now. Silent as the grave.... your grave. I can't hear you purring softly in your sleep, a demon sound that always soothed me to sleep. And my bed is cold, devoid of the warmth of your body. I lay on your side of the bed, trying to warm myself and sleep, but it's not the same. Nothing has been the same since you went away. And it'll never be the same again; no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I beg and plead with the heavens, my voice choked with tears, no miracle will ever return you to me. You're lost to me until I leave this now cold, empty world.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. You weren't supposed to die and leave me here alone. You were supposed to be alive. We were supposed to be married, to be together forever. Instead of being buried in a cold grave, you were supposed to be here with me now, warm and alive, holding me, touching me, kissing me, loving me, the way you were every night for the past seven years. You were supposed to find out about how you were wrong about yourself, supposed to share the joy of our child with me.

I'll never forget the first time we were together. You were so gentle and careful, so loving with me. It was the same way every single time after.... you always treated me with the utmost tenderness and love, never anything less. You loved me so much, and you showed it every possible way you could. Even when you were dying. I could tell that even just breathing was painful for you in those last moments, and yet you still managed to tell me you loved me one last time, even though it was physical agony for you to do so. Even in your last few seconds of life you were thinking of me..... you were always thinking of me. Oh god..... now I'm crying again. You were so wonderful.... so incredibly wonderful.... I love you so much.... how in the world am I supposed to go on without you?